I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
