Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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