I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
