i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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