Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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