My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
