i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How does one acquire holy water?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
