I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
