I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
