Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
