i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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