Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
