Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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