Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
