he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
