i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
