i don't like sucking hair
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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