Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
