I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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