Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
foreskin is a definite game changer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
