I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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