i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
