can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
