based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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