I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
