Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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