I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
