Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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