You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
