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I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
