Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize