Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
