my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When are your genitals available?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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