I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
