How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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