I've blown a few things in my day
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
