I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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