So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
