they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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