I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize