My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
