Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
