I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
