Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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