the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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