I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
