I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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