The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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