i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
