be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
