my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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