I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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