I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
its liver damage thursday
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
