mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
