Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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