Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
